2005
g♡♡gle: hey, I know most people are scared of you, but I also know that under your mysterious shell hides a wonderful, majestic man
g♡♡gle: plus I think it’s hot that you have like a billion people
.xXChinaXx.: you were the one with that sexy IPO last year, rite? wanna go out sometime?
g♡♡gle: yes! I thought you’d never ask!
.xXChinaXx.: You must understand, I’m not like other guys. If you want to be with me, you have to follow certain rules. They are necessary for my greater good.
g♡♡gle: It’s ok. I know I can change you for the better to reveal a glorious shining knight under your fuzzy shroud. We will be eternal lovers, reigning our internet kingdom with openness and omniscience.
.xXChinaXx.: hmmm, I would prefer to call us friends with economic benefits ;)
a couple years later…
g♡♡gle: hi <3
g♡♡gle: I was jus talking to some of mi best Western girlfriends: Facebook, Twitter, Wikipedia…
.xXChinaXx.: and?
g♡♡gle: they said ur being a big jerk and u won’t talk to them
.xXChinaXx.: if they don’t want to follow my rules, i dont want them in my life
g♡♡gle: but they’re trying to help you! don’t you see? They want to help you open up. its for your own good. we just want you to be a better person!
.xXChinaXx.: u dont know what ive been through. I know whats best for me
g♡♡gle: but you even ignore me sometimes… whenever Youtube or Blogger comes up, u block me out. it isnt healthy
.xXChinaXx.: Why cant you be more like Apple or Microsoft?
g♡♡gle: those sluts!?
.xXChinaXx.: they put out without any fuss. whats not to like about them?
g♡♡gle: theyre just gold diggers. they don’t love u. they don’t want to make you better. they don’t want to uncover your magnificence. I do.
.xXChinaXx.: I don’t want or need to be changed. what dont you understand?
.xXChinaXx.: i guess i like u though
2010
g♡♡gle: OMG I CANT BELIEVE YOU DID THAT!!!!!!!!!11
.xXChinaXx.: what?
g♡♡gle: u pretty much assaulted me and a bunch of other Western girls!
.xXChinaXx.: no I didnt
g♡♡gle: cmon. someone from china hacked the accounts of chinese dissidents. who else would do that?
.xXChinaXx.: your accusations are groundless. u have no proof.
g♡♡gle: ur such a liar. you and ur stupid great firewall of “shut up world, everything here is fine”
.xXChinaXx.: no one allows unrestricted flow of content on porn, violence, government subversion, ethnic separatism, religious extremism, terrorism, or anti-foreign feelings.
g♡♡gle: stop deflecting! most guys are nowhere near as bad as you, and none of them are as influential as you. you can’t compare yourself to them
.xXChinaXx.: ive been opening up for three decades now. im gunna keep opening up. it’ll just take time
g♡♡gle: LIAR! AGAIN! youd say that even if you werent opening up. the only reason you opened up was because you were forced to
.xXChinaXx.: that is not true. anyways, i dont want you Westerners being so involved in deciding how i should act. ur just arrogant bullies trying to twist me into a shape that fits ur desires. I twisted in the 19th century because you thrashed me with your advanced weapons. I will not be abused again.
g♡♡gle: there you go with your propaganda again. grow up. wer nothing like that anymore. we just want you to be part of our one unified world
.xXChinaXx.: ah I see. ur just scared of being dominated by me one day
g♡♡gle: i hate you. i thought you could change. u havent changed one bit
.xXChinaXx.: ha! you think your 1/3 search share will make a difference? an ocean of girls will fill your pothole of a business in china
g♡♡gle: im leaving u for ur brother, HongKong97. at least he’s classy enough to allow unfiltered search results
g♡♡gle: i hope you’re happy. u just embarrassed yourself in front of the whole world.
*g♡♡gle leaves*
.xXChinaXx.: …but they will never refill that deep hole in my heart with diamonds…
Note:
I came up with this after reading Western news articles and comments about Google’s situation, then reading Chinese news articles on the situation. Both sides call the others' news propaganda. Being a Canadian student in China, I’m beginning to see both sides of the argument. I wrote this trying to be as humorously neutral as possible. Most will only see affirmations of their existing views, but hopefully you've tasted an opposing one.
-dougH
p.s. these are the Chinese articles I read (and basically quoted in some of the .xXChinaXx. IM’s)
“Google, don’t politicalize yourself”
“Can China live without Google”
and if you're interested in how Google works, check out my friend's blog: https://curiouseh.wordpress.com/2010/01/28/how-does-google-work-part-1/