I had a hole in my head where someone close ought to be. The ideal one for me. It was a null pointer - a variable referenced all over my mind, a persona mapped to no one. Then we met and it hotfixed itself, persona began to point at the idea of you. But it wasn’t right, neither of us asked for you to be there, so I’ve been trying to reshape and refactor. You get to choose who you want to be to me, and maybe we’ll meet somewhere in between.
Then there was a slow burn in my brain, because you weren’t doing what that persona is expected to do. Not your problem - that persona in my mind isn’t real. The burn is a reminder that I needed to change. So I change. Refactor and retrain. Not moulding that persona into the shape of you, but reconsidering the requirements. The ideal one for me was supposed to have these behaviours, and those behaviours served a purpose. How else can I fulfil those needs? But that’s an endless process, some high-energy emotions have be dealt with right away. Sparks between us started fires down deep in my mind’s unprocessed wells of fossils. I poured the flames I could see into sublimation like this.
But I couldn’t see everything happening inside, so excess heat crept into the way I’ve been with you. Please don’t be captivated by the fire - it’ll burn an image into your mind of someone who isn’t real. It’s not the shape of the person that I want to be.
See, I wrestled with the persona pointer in my mind and got it back pointing to null. I brought the burn back down to a smoulder. Now is the time to grow forwards. We get to decide who we want to be.
And if you can, I need help figuring out how to influence where my roaming pointer points. My conscious pointer has to wrestle with the roaming one. And that conscious pointer may just point itself at whoever can best help.